Because sometimes you feel overwhelmed

My life will change after 3 and a half months. I am getting married ( Surprise?) Most 40+ people are excited when they get to know and ask me how I feel. My peers on the other hand were surprised. 

The decision to get married was mine. So obviously, in the beginning I was pretty excited. Then came the cold feet part. ( Which I guess, happens to everyone. ) I had a lot on my mind. Firstly I was scared of the married tag. I mean, married! That sounds so responsible and boring. That scared the shit out of me. Secondly, I felt that A was feeling pressurized about getting married. As if I was unconsciously or consciously forcing him to. Thirdly, the fact that most of my cousins married in their late twenties and I feel as if I am marrying pretty darn early. 

 

I am not as pretty and won't ever look as graceful as she did if I ever do try to run

But what bugged me the most is my lack of financial independence. I always imagined that I would be earning ( and earning well) before I get married. That would have been ideal. (Sadly, nothing is ideal.) Life did not go as planned and I started my own venture 4 months back and I still need one more year to be able to actually "earn" and become sustainable. 

And A has always said that he wanted to marry a person who had her own income. I don't know if the fact that I don't have one as of now, is disappointing to him. I didn't ask, too afraid of what the answer might be. It's something he really wanted and even though he is very very supportive of what I am doing (Believe me, I am overwhelmed and very grateful for his support.) I sometimes feel that this is something which bugs him too.

I have been having bouts of cold feet for the last 2 months. I have been doubting my own ability and my readiness to be married. Maybe because I friend of ours broke of her own engagement just a month before her D-day. Maybe because atleast 4 of my cousins ( of my very large extended family) have separated/divorced just a few years after marriage. Or maybe it's an irrational stupid fear that everyone gets before getting married. 

I am mostly happy about getting married.  When two people are in a committed relationship it makes sense for them to "start their lives together" And marriage is the conventional, accepted way to do it. I may not be overtly excited but I am certainly happy. ( Sometimes I do feel excited and have those "can't wait" moments but ofcourse I won't show it. )

But sometimes these thought linger. Sometimes I want to get away from it all. The discussions, the preparations, the "how are you feeling?" questions; everything that suggests that in a few more months I'll be married.

The worst part is that I know I will keep having these bouts of dread till it actually happens. No amount of reassurance can make it go away. Even I know that my fear of the unknown is irrational. That I can get paranoid when there is no reason to be. And yet I will keep speculating. Maybe writing about it will help. ( It usually does.) 

How can I explain that I am happy and yet I am shit scared. How can I explain that I can't wait to get married and yet sometimes wish that it was further away. How can I explain that I wish that I am not the only one who is feeling this way and that I wish that A too gets those moments. 

I am feeling pretty sentimental at this moment. This was supposed to be a funny post where I would poke fun at my cold feet, share an anecdote or two about the preparations. Pcch. I want a hug. I want someone to say that they get it.

I think I should end my rant, here.

My mom is possibly the bride from hell

I just had a revelation My mom is Bridezilla! Yes, she is that bride from hell. Except that she's not the bride; I am the to be bride. 

She is going berserk trying to shop for me and trying to drag me to shops. Shopping for me equals to a Dementor's kiss and I hate it (Chi, Wyak, Thoo) and so my mom and me have had loads and loads of arguments lately. She is frantic about buying me clothes and I am reluctant.

Apparently. since I am getting married I need a completely new wardrobe. Usually people are excited about such a thing but I am not and she is. 

Today, in the morning she was looking at the newspaper and pointing out sale ads- we have to go here; we definitely have to try this place...! She is going nuts. Worse part is, I can't oppose her without starting a fight and these days whenever we talk we bicker. She will stay stuff like " I am doing this for you!" Which is not true; she is doing this for herself. Because mothers are supposed to give stuff to their daughters when they get married. But ofcourse I can't tell her that. 

It's pretty turbulent. All conversations centre around my marriage and shopping. Where should we shop; how many of my clothes are still left; what else can we buy AND it gets annoying. My marriage is the foremost thing in her mind but not on mine. And that's why all this chaos. That sucks, big time. 

The best thing to do is to go along with all of her plans. I am pretty tired of it and want it to be over soon.  That way we avoid any kind of fight. I had never thought I would see this side of hers! Her franticness is something I am so not used to!

I know nothing about clothes and jewelery and what kind of shit. I am really not that interested in shopping for them! 

You know what the irony is? She hates shopping too. 

P. S Check this video about moms and their constant instructions. They can do it coz they are the mom

Because I am the mom!

A very expensive love affair

The other day I went shopping with my mom (Chi, wyak thoo) and we ended up going to jewellery shops. There was this one particular shop we went to,  the owner  is such an excellent salesman that he convinced me to buy stuff I would not have even considered. 

And the more I tried on stuff, the more I fell in love with the idea of wearing jewellery. I have hardly ever worn jewelry and don't think I will ever be a regular wearer of bling. Mostly because I can't be bothered and also because jewelry digs into mys skin.

But that day I was liking loving all the pieces I looked at. Maybe I was caught up in the beauty of it all. And maybe because I realised that jewellery ( when I wore the kind I liked) suited me. 

And now I actually own jewellery. (Even though I don't even know if I 'll ever wear them!) 

Though I am still not sure if I want this love story to last.