My guilt is ready

My guilt is coiled up inside me. 
Like a cobra
ready to pounce.

Like a dormant volcano
ready to explode. 

Like a saw 
that cuts through your hand;
accidentally. . 

Because sometimes you feel overwhelmed

My life will change after 3 and a half months. I am getting married ( Surprise?) Most 40+ people are excited when they get to know and ask me how I feel. My peers on the other hand were surprised. 

The decision to get married was mine. So obviously, in the beginning I was pretty excited. Then came the cold feet part. ( Which I guess, happens to everyone. ) I had a lot on my mind. Firstly I was scared of the married tag. I mean, married! That sounds so responsible and boring. That scared the shit out of me. Secondly, I felt that A was feeling pressurized about getting married. As if I was unconsciously or consciously forcing him to. Thirdly, the fact that most of my cousins married in their late twenties and I feel as if I am marrying pretty darn early. 

 

I am not as pretty and won't ever look as graceful as she did if I ever do try to run

But what bugged me the most is my lack of financial independence. I always imagined that I would be earning ( and earning well) before I get married. That would have been ideal. (Sadly, nothing is ideal.) Life did not go as planned and I started my own venture 4 months back and I still need one more year to be able to actually "earn" and become sustainable. 

And A has always said that he wanted to marry a person who had her own income. I don't know if the fact that I don't have one as of now, is disappointing to him. I didn't ask, too afraid of what the answer might be. It's something he really wanted and even though he is very very supportive of what I am doing (Believe me, I am overwhelmed and very grateful for his support.) I sometimes feel that this is something which bugs him too.

I have been having bouts of cold feet for the last 2 months. I have been doubting my own ability and my readiness to be married. Maybe because I friend of ours broke of her own engagement just a month before her D-day. Maybe because atleast 4 of my cousins ( of my very large extended family) have separated/divorced just a few years after marriage. Or maybe it's an irrational stupid fear that everyone gets before getting married. 

I am mostly happy about getting married.  When two people are in a committed relationship it makes sense for them to "start their lives together" And marriage is the conventional, accepted way to do it. I may not be overtly excited but I am certainly happy. ( Sometimes I do feel excited and have those "can't wait" moments but ofcourse I won't show it. )

But sometimes these thought linger. Sometimes I want to get away from it all. The discussions, the preparations, the "how are you feeling?" questions; everything that suggests that in a few more months I'll be married.

The worst part is that I know I will keep having these bouts of dread till it actually happens. No amount of reassurance can make it go away. Even I know that my fear of the unknown is irrational. That I can get paranoid when there is no reason to be. And yet I will keep speculating. Maybe writing about it will help. ( It usually does.) 

How can I explain that I am happy and yet I am shit scared. How can I explain that I can't wait to get married and yet sometimes wish that it was further away. How can I explain that I wish that I am not the only one who is feeling this way and that I wish that A too gets those moments. 

I am feeling pretty sentimental at this moment. This was supposed to be a funny post where I would poke fun at my cold feet, share an anecdote or two about the preparations. Pcch. I want a hug. I want someone to say that they get it.

I think I should end my rant, here.

Shriveled

Two

Here I am;
tattered,
shriveled.
Plank by plank;
cell by cell;
speck by speck;
bared. 

There was no
madness to my method
I made that up.

But it was never a mask.

At another place,
in another time
verse still swims
in my mind. 

~ Anjee, November 2013

The 2nd poem in my series Mid Carnival of Woe. 

P.S : Sometimes I miss Nov 2013, It was a very different time...

Pricked

FOUR

You're like a paper cut
you make me bleed.
At first it was hardly there.
I didn't even notice it.

And then I realised
I was pricking myself
on paper.

I have bruises
I don't remember getting.

You hurt me
slowly
it's like water dripping down
a leaking tap. 

It hardly makes a sound
and you forget about it.
And when you do notice
you feel like you'll drown.

I didn't notice
the blood at first.

It was only when; after
hundreds of cuts
the blood stained my white shirt;
I noticed my red finger,
my now red hand. 

And I remembered 
all those times 
you hurt me;
unnoticed. 

And it pains now. 

~Anjee, Nov 2013

This is the fourth poem in my series of melancholy poems Mid Carnival of Woe. 

Despair

Like getting ready and going out and getting drenched in sudden rain.
And all your hair undone and all your make up; washed out.

Like those untruths which started out as a joke but the words flowed and it became
a bag full of lies which could not be thrown in a trash can. 

Like not knowing where you stand. Do you stand, at all?
Are you falling? Have you fallen? Will you be getting up soon?

Like standing outside a clinic and realising that 
you really want the baby but can't keep it.

Like crying yourself to sleep and getting up in the morning 
even though it's easier to sleep. And maybe even easier to reach out for those pills.

Like not knowing and all the thinking and wondering
killing you slowly and not being able to stop.

Like drilling holes in an already wounded heart
and somehow accepting the pain.

Like drowning in three feet water, it seems impossible
but it can happen and you don't even think of it.

Like not stopping, like not knowing if you can
and going around in circles looking for answers for questions never asked


Like shedding silent tears because you're mediocre 
instead of brilliant; like knowing you have no right to cry.

~Anjee, Nov 2013


This poem is part of my series Mid Carnival of woe