Because sometimes you feel overwhelmed

My life will change after 3 and a half months. I am getting married ( Surprise?) Most 40+ people are excited when they get to know and ask me how I feel. My peers on the other hand were surprised. 

The decision to get married was mine. So obviously, in the beginning I was pretty excited. Then came the cold feet part. ( Which I guess, happens to everyone. ) I had a lot on my mind. Firstly I was scared of the married tag. I mean, married! That sounds so responsible and boring. That scared the shit out of me. Secondly, I felt that A was feeling pressurized about getting married. As if I was unconsciously or consciously forcing him to. Thirdly, the fact that most of my cousins married in their late twenties and I feel as if I am marrying pretty darn early. 

 

I am not as pretty and won't ever look as graceful as she did if I ever do try to run

But what bugged me the most is my lack of financial independence. I always imagined that I would be earning ( and earning well) before I get married. That would have been ideal. (Sadly, nothing is ideal.) Life did not go as planned and I started my own venture 4 months back and I still need one more year to be able to actually "earn" and become sustainable. 

And A has always said that he wanted to marry a person who had her own income. I don't know if the fact that I don't have one as of now, is disappointing to him. I didn't ask, too afraid of what the answer might be. It's something he really wanted and even though he is very very supportive of what I am doing (Believe me, I am overwhelmed and very grateful for his support.) I sometimes feel that this is something which bugs him too.

I have been having bouts of cold feet for the last 2 months. I have been doubting my own ability and my readiness to be married. Maybe because I friend of ours broke of her own engagement just a month before her D-day. Maybe because atleast 4 of my cousins ( of my very large extended family) have separated/divorced just a few years after marriage. Or maybe it's an irrational stupid fear that everyone gets before getting married. 

I am mostly happy about getting married.  When two people are in a committed relationship it makes sense for them to "start their lives together" And marriage is the conventional, accepted way to do it. I may not be overtly excited but I am certainly happy. ( Sometimes I do feel excited and have those "can't wait" moments but ofcourse I won't show it. )

But sometimes these thought linger. Sometimes I want to get away from it all. The discussions, the preparations, the "how are you feeling?" questions; everything that suggests that in a few more months I'll be married.

The worst part is that I know I will keep having these bouts of dread till it actually happens. No amount of reassurance can make it go away. Even I know that my fear of the unknown is irrational. That I can get paranoid when there is no reason to be. And yet I will keep speculating. Maybe writing about it will help. ( It usually does.) 

How can I explain that I am happy and yet I am shit scared. How can I explain that I can't wait to get married and yet sometimes wish that it was further away. How can I explain that I wish that I am not the only one who is feeling this way and that I wish that A too gets those moments. 

I am feeling pretty sentimental at this moment. This was supposed to be a funny post where I would poke fun at my cold feet, share an anecdote or two about the preparations. Pcch. I want a hug. I want someone to say that they get it.

I think I should end my rant, here.

Pricked

FOUR

You're like a paper cut
you make me bleed.
At first it was hardly there.
I didn't even notice it.

And then I realised
I was pricking myself
on paper.

I have bruises
I don't remember getting.

You hurt me
slowly
it's like water dripping down
a leaking tap. 

It hardly makes a sound
and you forget about it.
And when you do notice
you feel like you'll drown.

I didn't notice
the blood at first.

It was only when; after
hundreds of cuts
the blood stained my white shirt;
I noticed my red finger,
my now red hand. 

And I remembered 
all those times 
you hurt me;
unnoticed. 

And it pains now. 

~Anjee, Nov 2013

This is the fourth poem in my series of melancholy poems Mid Carnival of Woe. 

Too much happening

What is the bloody answer?

Too my questions in my head, right now. I feel as if I am interrogating myself. Can't all the questions stop for a while? Let me live, will you?  

Too much going on right now. And it doesn't make sense, 





I feel whateverish. And very very tired.

Rediscovery

If my optimism is my hamartia then I am ready to accept it. But not when it hurts the people I love. Not when it affects others. I need to unlearn some things and relearn some others. There is so much about me that I need to change.

I can't afford to let my mistakes hurt others. Not now. Not anymore.

I need to change. Be conscious.

I wish I could be less optimistic. 

I will change.

A case of romance and wrong timing

The following was written in Jan 2011. I was at a very miserable place emotionally. Was suffering from a serious case of loneliness and helplessness. As an emotional person I need to cry. At that point of time though, crying didn't feel justified. 

***

I don't know how you managed to break my heart. How did you get to it? How do I mourn for the loss of something I never had? Why do I feel so doomed? Yet, no tears come. I can only produce a slightly tired half smile. To compensate for the un shed tears I cannot even sigh. Trapped, by my own restrictions. Life will go on, and so will I. 

Such a loss cannot be explained. Just can't be. I can't remain idle. When I do I can only think of my loss. My mind is in such turmoil, I can't think straight. When I am alone a terrible loneliness engulfs me. Being with friends is not enough for me. This is almost desperation. 

It's a Wednesday. A Wednesday I am unlikely to forget for a long time. I can't help feeling so hurt over a person I barely knew. I am hurt. I just can't believe I am so hurt. 

But I can't shed tears. My tears won't help me this time. I know, no one can collect them. As I keep my non-existent tears aside I wonder why I am so hurt. I wish I could cry. Crying would help. Maybe. 

Something I can't admit to myself that even though I am happy I am lonely. Is it possible to be both at the same time? I can't understand myself. I have lost control over my emotions. I hate losing control. 

I am not confident about the matters of my heart anymore. And I am so scared, so confused. I can't even be depressed. I am a happy person. Positive. Optimistic. 

I will still believe in Aphrodite. For she matters to me. 

***

Update: I got over this phase in a week. I remember feeling an immense sense of relief after writing my feelings down. Didn't feel like posting it then. Came across it today in an old notebook.

100 Words: Don't mention fear

It's hard to admit that I don't have the answers.  I had figured out what I want . But confused about how to go about it. I don't want to be.  

I am scared. I don't like not knowing where I stand. It's my biggest fear. 

I hate being vulnerable. Being insecure.

I think I will listen to one of my favourite songs.

"Heart, don't fail me now!

Courage, don't desert me!

Don't turn back now that we're here.."

Those are the words I need.

I will be brave. I won’t let anything take away my dreams. Not even me. 

100 Words: Distance

1772 kms. It is difficult to be practical, when in love. Crazy practical people in love. “Be strong. Be Patient.  When the going gets tough the tough get going” These are the words she repeats to herself. Like a chant.

The heart is already fond, it doesn’t need distance.

Today she has to smile. She does have a smile, plastered on her face. If you talk to her you may hear it in her voice.  She will be strong. For she knows someone needs her to be. As much as she needs him to be. 

Distance makes tough people tougher.  

Just want to write today.

It is my sister's b'day tomorrow and she has given me strict instructions  not to wake her up at twelve coz she is very sleepy. She is sleepy on the eve of her b'day. ( ah well, in her defense she got up really early today) 


Ah well the cake that was to be cut at midnight will be cut tomorrow. And now I have a craving for cake. Will wait till tomorrow. I do have a lot of will power. 


I am the only one awake at my place right now. And it is pretty early. And the person I was chatting to online has dozed off. Since I am wide awake I want to do something. I have been reading loads of blogs lately and now that I need something to do I don't feel like reading any of them. And so I am thinking. Randomly. And writing. I don't even know if I will post this. Maybe I will. I am curious about the reactions. I kind of know that I probably won't. But still. 

My sister is turning 13 tomorrow. I am trying hard to remember what it was like to be 13. All I remember about being 13 was my first proper, live human crush ( Earlier crushes were on non-human animated characters like Li from card captors and Dimitri from Anastasia.) 

You have to agree he  is attractive!

Don't laugh, 12 year olds of 2002 did have crushes on fictional guys. HP fans all over have crushes on Sirius Black, Fred and George Weasley, James Potter and Oliver Wood. And they are all fictional. Anyway, the point is that's all I remember about being 13. And the fact that I wasn't doing well in school. My marks were down the drain. So school- wise 13 not a good time to remember.

I don't really know what I am thinking of. There is a lot to do tomorrow. Maybe I will sleep. Or maybe not just yet.  

Maybe I will write some more tomorrow. Maybe another useless blog-post. Maybe just another musing in my notebook. Whatever. 

“Words, is oh such a twitch-tickling problem to me all my life.” 

-Roald Dahl, The BFG

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