Because sometimes you feel overwhelmed

My life will change after 3 and a half months. I am getting married ( Surprise?) Most 40+ people are excited when they get to know and ask me how I feel. My peers on the other hand were surprised. 

The decision to get married was mine. So obviously, in the beginning I was pretty excited. Then came the cold feet part. ( Which I guess, happens to everyone. ) I had a lot on my mind. Firstly I was scared of the married tag. I mean, married! That sounds so responsible and boring. That scared the shit out of me. Secondly, I felt that A was feeling pressurized about getting married. As if I was unconsciously or consciously forcing him to. Thirdly, the fact that most of my cousins married in their late twenties and I feel as if I am marrying pretty darn early. 

 

I am not as pretty and won't ever look as graceful as she did if I ever do try to run

But what bugged me the most is my lack of financial independence. I always imagined that I would be earning ( and earning well) before I get married. That would have been ideal. (Sadly, nothing is ideal.) Life did not go as planned and I started my own venture 4 months back and I still need one more year to be able to actually "earn" and become sustainable. 

And A has always said that he wanted to marry a person who had her own income. I don't know if the fact that I don't have one as of now, is disappointing to him. I didn't ask, too afraid of what the answer might be. It's something he really wanted and even though he is very very supportive of what I am doing (Believe me, I am overwhelmed and very grateful for his support.) I sometimes feel that this is something which bugs him too.

I have been having bouts of cold feet for the last 2 months. I have been doubting my own ability and my readiness to be married. Maybe because I friend of ours broke of her own engagement just a month before her D-day. Maybe because atleast 4 of my cousins ( of my very large extended family) have separated/divorced just a few years after marriage. Or maybe it's an irrational stupid fear that everyone gets before getting married. 

I am mostly happy about getting married.  When two people are in a committed relationship it makes sense for them to "start their lives together" And marriage is the conventional, accepted way to do it. I may not be overtly excited but I am certainly happy. ( Sometimes I do feel excited and have those "can't wait" moments but ofcourse I won't show it. )

But sometimes these thought linger. Sometimes I want to get away from it all. The discussions, the preparations, the "how are you feeling?" questions; everything that suggests that in a few more months I'll be married.

The worst part is that I know I will keep having these bouts of dread till it actually happens. No amount of reassurance can make it go away. Even I know that my fear of the unknown is irrational. That I can get paranoid when there is no reason to be. And yet I will keep speculating. Maybe writing about it will help. ( It usually does.) 

How can I explain that I am happy and yet I am shit scared. How can I explain that I can't wait to get married and yet sometimes wish that it was further away. How can I explain that I wish that I am not the only one who is feeling this way and that I wish that A too gets those moments. 

I am feeling pretty sentimental at this moment. This was supposed to be a funny post where I would poke fun at my cold feet, share an anecdote or two about the preparations. Pcch. I want a hug. I want someone to say that they get it.

I think I should end my rant, here.

Pricked

FOUR

You're like a paper cut
you make me bleed.
At first it was hardly there.
I didn't even notice it.

And then I realised
I was pricking myself
on paper.

I have bruises
I don't remember getting.

You hurt me
slowly
it's like water dripping down
a leaking tap. 

It hardly makes a sound
and you forget about it.
And when you do notice
you feel like you'll drown.

I didn't notice
the blood at first.

It was only when; after
hundreds of cuts
the blood stained my white shirt;
I noticed my red finger,
my now red hand. 

And I remembered 
all those times 
you hurt me;
unnoticed. 

And it pains now. 

~Anjee, Nov 2013

This is the fourth poem in my series of melancholy poems Mid Carnival of Woe. 

Random shit about a random sleepy day

 You know those days where you feel you've been drugged and sleep all day? I had one of them today. I had a oral driving test today and I randomly went without much of a glance at the shit I had to study. For the first time in my existance I was not nervous before an exam. And I woke up as late as 9. The oral got over in 10 mins. I kept back home and promptly went to sleep. I got up for lunch and went back to bed again. Only woke up at 5, feeling slightly better. 

So anyway, I will learning to drive in a few days. I was sort of freaking out earlier but now I am excited. I will finally learn how to drive. I so hope I don't suck at it.

So that's about it. Random shit about a random day. 

Emptiness

My granddad passed away on the 9th. So blogging is off for some time. I don't even know who I am giving this explanation to. 

Sunday blogpost delayed

Today was a weird day. It started off really well. We saw a silly movie.  And  we shopped. And was fine. 

But right I am I am feeling weird. I am not exactly upset, but neither am I happy. Feeling bleh. I think I have Sunday evening blues. I have to get back to work tomorrow and I am really sleepy. I just want to lie down, quietly and not be disturbed by anyone. I just don't want to think  and I don't want to talk to anyone! 

I really don't want to talk to anyone. 

I'll probably go to sleep and post this tomorrow. I am too bored and tired to switch on my laptop. 

So bye.

( I recorded this last night on my phone and it's only fair that I post this today. I do have another post for today :D) 

Adios. Next post up soon!

Dropping your smartphone too many times is hazardous to health

So my phone conked off today. And I realised that the phrase-" I can't live without my phone" applies to me too! I depend on my phone, a lot. For people so used to smartphones and internet access on their fingertips, living without a phone for a day or two is next to impossible. I am trying and trying but it's increasingly difficult.

Day 1

5.15 am. The reason I can wake up at 6 am is my multiple alarms. One at 5.15, one at 5.40 and another at 6. I will have to set multiple alarms on the feature phone I am using. I guess this is not a major problem

6.30 am. I track my exercising routine on my Endomondo app. No phone, no app.

I don't wear a watch and use my phone to see the time.


7. am I check my whatsapp. Send a quick hi to A. That can't be done today.
9. am I want to make a note of something on my phone memo but I cant.
9.30 am. A quick google search to verify news about Nelson Mandela's death is also not possible. I have to wait till I switch on my laptop, but then I will be caught up with work.

10. am One of my friends is very ill, I want to be updated about his condition. And all my numbers are saved on my phone. So now I can't contact anyone. I am worrying about him.

11 am. I  give a status about it, asking for help. I also do a google search. Many threads have suggestions but none of them work.

12. 15 pm I give up on my phone. It's sort of liberating.

1pm. Mom wants to whatsapp me but can't. No phone checking, no notifications.

2 pm.Someone wanted to talk to me and had to call my mom. I run a business and can't afford to be un-contactable.

3 pm. I am wondering how to contact people I urgently need to . I try reviving my phone again. It doesn't work.

5.20 pm. I find a spare set and put my sim in.

9. pm I want to do a quick search for a recipe but well I cant! This is really difficult!

11.pm, No phone, no music. 

Day 2

10 am. Gave my phone for repairs.
7pm Repair guy says he wasn't able to do anything. (Is it time for a new phone?)

Day 3

Zilch. 

Day 4.

Gave my phone for repairs at a different place. Using a Nokia feature phone. My first phone.  It's been little less than 2 years but I am so used a smartphone, that I am feeling lost without it. I so want a smartphone(mine or a new one) within this week. I am not some vagrant or sanyasi!

*fingers crossed*

Too much happening

What is the bloody answer?

Too my questions in my head, right now. I feel as if I am interrogating myself. Can't all the questions stop for a while? Let me live, will you?  

Too much going on right now. And it doesn't make sense, 





I feel whateverish. And very very tired.

Well, I am bored.

I am bored of giving status updates on fb and still wary of tweeting so I am going to give random oneliners here. It doesn't really matter if you like the post coz I am doing this coz facebook is getting really really boring and I have decided that my blog should therefore be my only interaction with the world. Oh but I have to use facebook to inform people that I have updated my blog. So I do sort of depend on fb. And I still like fb. Unlike some people, who think they are too Uppity for fb and its anyway passe. 

And now that I am back to blogging, it feels good. So all I have been doing since I came  back from class is reading blogs. And dreaming of winning contests I have entered. 

Anyway I am bored of giving explanations for my random oneliners

So my RO for today is ( I am calling it RO coz I can't keep on typing random oneliner)

RO #1 You know you live in a hostel when "hunger" has a new meaning. 

So now you know, that I am not only bored but quite hungry and should have opened my packet of Wai Wai. But now that food has come I will go check out what is there and if it is not appealing I have my packet of wai wai. 

It's only tears

I am so PMSy these days. Not in the angry sort of way. But things make me cry. Yesterday I was listening to Tum gaye ho kyu from the movie Dum Maro Dum. It's a really sad song and it made me cry. I was singing along with the radio and then I realised I was crying. 


And today I was watching this ad of a new show and someone was singing a really touching song and it made me cry. 




For some reason I have become very emotional and extra sensitive. It's just one of my phases. But what if I burst out crying at every emotional scene on TV?  I anyway cry when I read the sad parts of my favourite books AND when  I read good poetry.  And now sad songs are making me cry?


What has gotten into me!

Rediscovery

If my optimism is my hamartia then I am ready to accept it. But not when it hurts the people I love. Not when it affects others. I need to unlearn some things and relearn some others. There is so much about me that I need to change.

I can't afford to let my mistakes hurt others. Not now. Not anymore.

I need to change. Be conscious.

I wish I could be less optimistic. 

I will change.

I don't know what I am talking about

I haven't watched a a good rom-com for ages. I want to. Talking of rom-coms, I once saw a movie in which Ashton Kutcher threw his girlfriend/wife's dog out of the window. He did not actually throw the dog out, it jumped out because of him. I saw Ashton Kutcher in a few other movies one of which is "A lot like love". It's one of my favourites. It has a single by Aqualung, who happens to be one of my favourites too. 


I used to like Ashton Kutcher. I no longer do. He cheated on his wife. Which is not cool. Even though I never liked Demi Moore. 


I love Audrey Hepburn. She is beautiful. She is one of the dead persons I want to meet. ( I have a list for that too) I love her. As a person and as an actress. 


I recently discovered I like jam. Not with bread. Just plain and simple jam. Scooped from the jar in a spoon. But I had used up all the jam to make jam chocolates because no one eats jam and it came free with something. Only two spoons were left. Which I had and liked. I didn't buy jam after that. Coz I am not used to liking jam. I forget that I like it. So when I see jam bottles I don't have an urge to buy them. 


I hadn't cried for ages. I cried yesterday. I saw two movies and parts of both made me cry. Later I wondered why Fred had to die. You know what makes me sad? Birds in cages. I don't understand why people have to buy birds and keep them in cages. What is even sadder is birds that have forgotten how to fly. The saddest is when their flight feathers are clipped and they cannot fly even if they did remember how to.


People are not nice. 


"Human beans is squishing each other all the time,' the BFG said. 'They is shootling guns and going up in aerioplanes to drop their bombs on each other's heads every week. Human beans is always killing other human beans."
~BFG


The BFG is right. Humans are not nice at all. Most animals don't kill their own species. 




Humans lead sad lives. 

The Google list

I googled myself yesterday. Not because of any self obsession tendencies (maybe a little) but because I wanted to see how much information Google stored about me. 

I made a list of all the things I found about myself.

1. The fact that I use Facebook and Google+ is revealed. ( This I expected.)

2.I used to have a blog on Ibibo which I deleted(For those who are aghast. I do hope someone is aghast. As I was saying what I wrote there was BAD.) The link still comes on the 2nd page. If you click on it it’s a broken link.

3. I have a Picasa web album, which is now sort of default with Google+ users. This album has zero pics.

4. An account with a site called slideshare. I had to register to see a presentation and now I have an useless account. ( With no recollection of my password or the email id I had used.)

5. I used to have an account with a site called muggle.net back when I was a teen and used a dial up modem(Now THAT used to take ages and we used to be very patient. A momentary pause for the “times have changed” rant, please.) I was into fanficton and even wrote one myself. So my muggle.net user id also came up on the 3rd page.

6. My college admission merit list. ( I still can’t believe that was three years ago AND college is over!)

7. An interview I gave to The Telegraph when I was 17. (Here's why I was interviewed)

8. My story that got published with TOI. (Yay!)

9. A letter to the editor of The Telegraph.

10. Comments I gave on a public forum. (Did I actually say that? )

11. The fact that I use JustDial.

12. This blog! (Thank God for that.)


Moral of the story? (No moral, I just concluded.)The internet is the most extensive archive. Everything you do on the www is archived. Every lame comment I made on a forum is out there. Nothing gets deleted. That every activity is archived is not new information, yesterday I saw that for myself. I don’t find this scary. I am very matter of fact about it. I haven’t done anything stupid. (Not really.) As a not so net savvy teenager I may have partcipated in online discussions on forums about my favourite actor, book or whatever. No pictures. Nothing career threatening. I don’t need to worry about my past deeds. But after this I will be more careful about what I write, where.

April

Exams are not the best host for The Muse. May will be better. I miss this place. And my notebook. Fiction, in general. Reading and writing. 


A very tiring time, this. Tiring And trying. I hate exams, if you must know. My finals. College life will then be truly over. After exams, that is. 






I sometimes talk to myself. I often talk to myself. Aloud. 




Sigh. April 27th. 


Come back soon, Muse. 


With love,
you know me

Sheets of paper

March is a month for words. Here and in my notebook. 






Such is March. 

100 Words: Don't mention fear

It's hard to admit that I don't have the answers.  I had figured out what I want . But confused about how to go about it. I don't want to be.  

I am scared. I don't like not knowing where I stand. It's my biggest fear. 

I hate being vulnerable. Being insecure.

I think I will listen to one of my favourite songs.

"Heart, don't fail me now!

Courage, don't desert me!

Don't turn back now that we're here.."

Those are the words I need.

I will be brave. I won’t let anything take away my dreams. Not even me. 

Two Jacks and a queen

“Crush your ‘oh I love you so much ‘thoughts for me Anant. Gutter ke pani mein dooba do unhe. My interest level in you is a little less than a lion’s interest in grass for lunch.”

“Why do you have to keep on insulting me just because I told you that I love you”


“Anant, you love miniature paintings. You love Thai curry. You don’t go about declaring your love for it every two days.”


“Thai curry? What has that got to do with anything ? But I do love it. See the point is your logic is totally haywire. Why should I… Oh just forget it. I don’t know why I fell in love with you. And I do not. I do not declare my love for you every two days. I may mention it once in a while…"

“Once in a while?”

“Ok. More than that. Whenever I feel the need to remind you”

“Every two days”

“Not every two days”

“yup”

“Nope”

“And why are we arguing about this. Bunk it. This love you have? Can’t you love someone else?”


“You’re kidding. I hope you are. The point is, why don’t you accept the fact that I love you. Just accept it Misha”

“Ok fine. Whatever. What I don’t understand is why did you ever fall for me.”

“I don’t know. I seriously don’t know.”

Just want to write today.

It is my sister's b'day tomorrow and she has given me strict instructions  not to wake her up at twelve coz she is very sleepy. She is sleepy on the eve of her b'day. ( ah well, in her defense she got up really early today) 


Ah well the cake that was to be cut at midnight will be cut tomorrow. And now I have a craving for cake. Will wait till tomorrow. I do have a lot of will power. 


I am the only one awake at my place right now. And it is pretty early. And the person I was chatting to online has dozed off. Since I am wide awake I want to do something. I have been reading loads of blogs lately and now that I need something to do I don't feel like reading any of them. And so I am thinking. Randomly. And writing. I don't even know if I will post this. Maybe I will. I am curious about the reactions. I kind of know that I probably won't. But still. 

My sister is turning 13 tomorrow. I am trying hard to remember what it was like to be 13. All I remember about being 13 was my first proper, live human crush ( Earlier crushes were on non-human animated characters like Li from card captors and Dimitri from Anastasia.) 

You have to agree he  is attractive!

Don't laugh, 12 year olds of 2002 did have crushes on fictional guys. HP fans all over have crushes on Sirius Black, Fred and George Weasley, James Potter and Oliver Wood. And they are all fictional. Anyway, the point is that's all I remember about being 13. And the fact that I wasn't doing well in school. My marks were down the drain. So school- wise 13 not a good time to remember.

I don't really know what I am thinking of. There is a lot to do tomorrow. Maybe I will sleep. Or maybe not just yet.  

Maybe I will write some more tomorrow. Maybe another useless blog-post. Maybe just another musing in my notebook. Whatever. 

“Words, is oh such a twitch-tickling problem to me all my life.” 

-Roald Dahl, The BFG

. 

Weirdness continued

This one is about questionable existence. Read on:

And then you woke up. And you saw me. I didn’t Know I was here, maybe I wasn’t. But you did see me, very very clearly (at least you seemed to). And yet I was not there ,I was visible, maybe, but I didn’t know of my existence. I wasn’t there yet? I may exist for you, but am not sure of my existence. I feel am not there. A wisp of sand. Out of nowhere. Yet I remind you of something, something long ago. But I was there Ofcourse I was there. You saw me. You couldn’t hold me though, nor touch me. I was sure that I was there. Yet I was not. Not for everyone. No one else was there. Just you (maybe me?)




My existence is questionable No one I know knows of me You know of my existence, I don’t.

And yeah, I don't normally post my poetry on my blog but since the theme is similar, here it is

Existence questionable



Disappear into nothingness,

I do not exist.

My body devoid of soul.

Sucked into a never ending hole,

the world is meaningless to me.



Disappear into the darkness,

the darkness is so thick.

Here I belong.



Disappear into lonelyness,

lonelyness is a friend.

Me not scared of it.

My isolation complete.

Weird until I decide not to be

I write some pretty weird stuff and have done so in the past. Regardless of how many people like what I am going to post in the next few lines I am determined 2 post the following. Some of the older weird stuff i had written for this other blog I had. Re-posted here. This is an experiment.. I am not responsible for any accident or tragedy that may occur after you read this. Here goes then:




My caged emotions are floating in my soul. Desperately waiting to break free into a newer world.


My emotions are endless, not enough for this world; neither enough for the universe.

Crude, raw, uncouth emotions. No words in this world to describe them. No language enough.


Un-nameable emotions. Numerous; vast.


And when they break free emotionless will I be?

No I think not.


New emotions will arise from the flames of the old.

Not born, they'll be reinvented, reformed.


The world will tell its story through my emotions. 

Jeane at it again

Jeane was sitting comfortably in her bedroom, humming her little tune, when she thought of something. Do people base their own opinion on other peoples views? Are we dependent on others for our perspective?  Are we scared to take out our view from  dusty cupboard because it may be rejected? Do we care so much about what others think. If others hate magenta coloured thoughts and we love it, we agree that magenta thoughts are absolutely horrid. I mean our we scarred of ourselves. Maybe magenta is a genius thought. Newton and all other people who discovered stuff were not scared of colouring their world different. People don't always have to agree.