You know what harassment looks like?

You know what harassment looks like?

A 13 year old girl followed home from the rickshaw stand by a labourer on a cycle.

You know what harassment looks like?

A 14 year old girl followed from her home to her tuition by a fat man making lewd gestures with his fingers near his crotch. 

You know what harassment looks like?

A 14 year old girl too scared to go back to her tuition. 

You know what harassment looks like?

A man trying to get a feel of a teen's breasts in a 5 minutes auto ride after dark.

You know what harassment looks like?

Not having the option of getting down from the auto because you're too scared about not getting any other transportation back home.

You know what harassment looks like?

 Having your breasts compared to melons

You know what harassment looks like?

Having to hear young boys sing "pee loon " as you walk down the road.

You know what harassment looks like?

Hating the songs for ages after that

You know what harassment looks like?

Having to change routes because it's dark and you're walking home alone. 

You know what harassment looks like?

Feeling unsafe in your lane when one of the street lights breaks down. 

You know what harassment looks like?

 Men and women staring at your cleavage

You know what harassment looks like?

Feeling the need to cover up  your cleavage.

You know what harassment looks like?

Covering your face with your bag because some random guys have started clicking pictures of your girls with their phones at your bus stand.

You know what harassment looks like?

Having to do that everyday.

You know what harassment looks like?

Knowing your sister will be harassed and she's barely 10.

You know what harassment looks like?

Coming back home to hear your 11 year old sister recount her scary story of how she was followed home from the bus stand. 

You know what harassment looks like?

Witnessing the same fat guy that followed you ages ago, masturbating outside your house.

You know what harassment looks like?

Instinctively knowing that the fat guy probably harasses the students of the all girls school opposite your home. 

 
You know what harassment looks like?

Having to explain what harassment looks like.

You know what harassment looks like?

The fatigue from the countless times you've explained what harassment looks like. 


Street harassment is something all women are handed on a ready plate and told to deal with. Because, "men will be men" and "such is a women's life"; so on and so forth. 

This post is completely based on my and my sister's experiences. 

Most women will relate. A few men will try to imagine. Some will understand. Most men will dismiss it as another write up by a bitchy, whining women who thinks her life sucks.






 

Honestly? I am scared.

I don't want to get raped. I don't want to carry a pepper spray.

I am not even angry. I am just scared.  What if I get raped? Rape is scarier than most people realise. 

I don't want people telling me how to be safe. What to do so that I don't end up facing such trauma. What to wear, where not to go. Please stop doing that. Just start telling men not to rape. Tell your brothers. Tell your friends. Tell your fathers. Remind them everyday. Teach kids in school. Tell them to talk about it openly. Regularly.   I feel, this should become an important part of everyone's education. 

Men need to come out in the streets to give support to the woman in their lives. 

And yes, understand this. Media adds to rape culture. You favourite actor pinching his heroine's butt; your favourite rapper objectifying woman; men in movies not taking no for an answer; all of them encourage this culture of sexual objectification of woman. Unless we stop objectifying woman, rapes will keep on happening. 

Do you know what causes rape? Rapists. 


How long will the outrage in the media last? One week? A month? Learn to be outraged everyday. By lewd comments, by stares, by catcalls, by unwanted attention. Protest at the smallest instance of sexual harassment. Talk about it. Start a debate. Tell people-"I got harassed. It's wrong and I am outraged. I will not stand it."


Today I make a promise to point out every instance of objectification. I will not keep quiet. I will shout, if I have to. I will not shut up, even if people give me looks. 

Steaming and in your face. 

Because I want a safe world for all of us. 

N: Not the same

Now a comment about the male species. They may not come from mars but  that does not make them easy to figure out. This is not an extensive research as guy behavior is not something I have been dwelling on. With only a measly few years of experience I came up with some observations about guys in general. Remember that this is a generalization. No way am I saying that all guys are the same. But they have a few key quirks which are common.

Guys like explaining things. They explain the smallest of things in great detail, specially if it concerns them directly.  They also assume that you know nothing about the subject. For example;  most guys assume that girls don’t know much about gaming. Another thing they love to explain is sports. Any sport. And they go on and on. Infact they are know it alls. They just like to explain. Even if they know nothing about the subject they pretend like they know. It is both amusing and frustrating.

Also, once they are depressed they go on being depressed. Maybe because they don’t believe in eating chocolate. Or dancing alone in a room to their favourite music.

Guys  do think a lot. They think about everything else except feelings and emotions. And when they do think about an emotion they just don’t know what they are thinking.

Their egos are easily bruised.  These bruised egos hurt as much as physical pain does. I do not understand why.

I think most of them sometimes get scared of the woman they know. Even the grown adult ones. Woman seem to intimidate them. Maybe coz they don’t understand us.

Getting over a broken relationship  they were intimately involved is difficult for them because they do not talk about their feelings with anyone. Guys in relationships sometimes talk about what is troubling them; with their partners. But, that too is rare. They don't want to to think about it more than they have to. I think it's  a defense mechanism. They don't even want to ask for help. It's the ego thing again. The biggest issue they have.  The natural thing we woman do to comfort someone is to ask them what's wrong. Right now I am talking to a friend who is upset and I am asking him why. He refuses to tell me. He is telling me to bunk it but I can't because I am not a guy.They just don't talk.  They just beat around the bush.  I wish they did but that's how they function. 

Guys  just don't want to grow up. For them, the world is still a playground. All the guys I know, once in a while say or do something really kiddish. And it's not once or twice. They just randomly come up with ideas that make them sound like 5 year olds. Two of my friends, do that quite often. 

I don’t even want to talk about the burping and farting and scratching their balls in public. Let’s simply not go there.

The male species is very different from us. But that’s okay, right? We like different. And we will learn to live in harmony. Someday.

J: So J

Jealousy is  an inevitable sentiment in any relationship. It’s funny when your friends get jealous if they see you close to other people. It’s cute when your boyfriend is jealous when you talk too much about this cool guy who happens to be a friend. But when jealousy turns into possessiveness, it’s time to see red.

There is a very thin line between being possessive and being jealous. Many a times,  it is not apparent that  the line has been crossed. Possessiveness sometimes translates to having the desire to control the other person’s action and the need to dominate. Often it is the result of deep-rooted chauvinism .

Possessiveness is something I cannot tolerate.  No one can control my actions, no matter how much he or she loves me. Possessiveness is not a sign of love. It’s a sign of a desire to own someone. In a romantic relationship, one partner may show a desire to decide what their partner wears, a desire to know where their partner is going, who he or she is meeting; there is a need to know what their partner is doing at every minute. In extreme cases, there is a desire to dictate what one’s partner should do; all the time.

In many cases both partners are possessive. In most cases(here I am citing straight relationships) the male is possessive about his partner. His partner may not have male associates, friends; his partner may not decide what to wear or where to go on her own. In such cases of extreme possessiveness violence is also involved. Obviously, such relationships are unhealthy.

In cases of parent-child relationships if parents are too possessive of their children; it will hinder their personal growth as an individual. After a certain age it is necessary for children to learn to make their own decisions. If they are not allowed to do so,  it will lead to clingyness and unhealthy dependency. Such dependency will again deter the person from being able to move on and learn to live if and when their parents expire.  Such people fail to have normal relationships with other people. They also may need counseling or psychological help.

Jealousy on the other hand, does not do much harm. Unless ofcourse it’s envy. The green eyed monster. Though envy is a synonym of jealousy, it is a more intense emotion. Envy. So many things have been written about envy. So many poems and plays are based on this emotion. Woman are said to have mastered the art of being envious. A very stereotypical view, I must add. It’s a lot of things. Resent. Spite. Even hatred. Jealousy seems, less complicated, less harmful. 

Semantics define jealousy as the base emotion which may give birth to possessiveness and envy. Its like a river with two distributaries.

It's fascinating that one emotion can imply so many different things.  They have different undertones at different times they are used. Emotions are complicated, ain't they? And language is an amazing thing. 

G:Girly and gay

Girly seems like an alien word to me. Not that I am not feminine. But whenever I hear the word girly I feel as if I am not matching up to the image.

Who decides what is girly and what is not anyway? And why do I have to to follow the stereotypical image of girls that everyone has. Why do others get to decide how feminine I have to be? I get to decide that. Decisions about my body ; how I want it to look and what I want to do with it are mine and mine alone.

I don’t like stereotypes. I absolutely hate it when people judge anyone on the basis of stereotypes. Stereotypes about gender can cause unequal and unfair treatment because of a person’s gender.

Society has certain expectations about how we should act as men and woman. Gender is supposed to be neatly divided into two categories. If you are a man you do this; if you are a woman you do this. 

Guys don't ask for directions. They cant cook. They are messy. Girls need help picking up stuff. They like flowers and cheesy gestures.

Our cultures teach women and men to be the opposite of each other in many ways. The truth is that we are more alike than different.

The problem with gender stereotypes is that they are so deep-rooted  in us that we don’t even realise it.  We fall in the trap as soon as a baby is born. It’s as simple as buying a pink jumpsuit for a new born girl and a blue one for a boy. It’s as early as a  nurse announcing “it’s a girl” or “it’s a boy” instead of just saying “it’s a healthy baby.”

Even though it's not  easy to change that mindset, there is no harm in trying.  The few of us who do not believe in gender stereotypes should set examples. Respect people, regardless of their gender, gender roles and gender identities. Point out gender stereotypes when you spot them. Challenge sexist jokes and remarks.  Break out of the stereotype. Do something not normally expected of your gender. 

No matter who you are, what gender you identify with; you should be able to be yourself without being judged. If I am less "girly" than other woman I should not have to  think about matching up to that image. My appearance, my personality traits,my occupation do not need to follow the standard set by the society for my gender. I should not be afraid of  being happy, the way I am. Regardless of what society thinks I should be. 

Proposals, sunsigns and all that

For some reason a lot of Leons have proposed to me. And I don’t really like Leon men. I do not believe in horoscopes  but I am a big Linda Goodman fan. I think the sort of language she uses makes it really fun to read.

No offence meant to all the guys who “fell in love” with me but most have been Leons. I remember my 1^st proposal. I was 15. And even though I was not naive and innocent I was not at all interested in dating. And he out of the blue came and proposed. It came as a shock. Specially beacause I was crushing on his friend and was expecting him to play cupid or atleast messenger. And he bloody proposed. I was SO annoyed.

I don’t get along with Leons coz I can’t stand people who have a big ego. I can’t be a follower and Leons expect followers. 

I don't like being told "I love you" by people I hardly know. Many people love it. They revel in the glory of so many people falling in love with them. I don't. It annoys me. I feel that people can't fall in love so randomly.  How can you love a person you hardly know? Falling in love with a pretty face is quite shallow. If someone tells me "Oh  you look so beautiful, I love you" it will piss me off. What if my face gets burned? Will you love me even then? I don't think so. ( I use the burn analogy because I have been severely burnt once and I could have had scars on my face.) 

I am vain enough to feel good when someone says I am pretty but that should not be the primary reason you fell in love with me.

Love takes time. It's like brewing tea. When I asked N(another Leon) why he proposed and what he saw in me. He said "Oh you are so sweet and simple." Meet me when I am in a bad mood and then tell me how sweet I am. Fall in love with my personality not my face. 

I don't know. That's my opinion. To each her own. It suits me to think that love takes time. And that random proposals are pathetic. 

Fictional guys I totally dig

Of all the guys I have had crushes on, most have been fictional people. Here's a list of guys from books I totally love. 

1. Fitzwilliam Darcy (Pride and Prejudice): Have you read Pride and Prejudice as a 13 year old? Darcy is such a snob and Oh-so-annoying. But that's what makes him so drool worthy.  I dreamt about guys like Darcy. The hate-like-friendship-love pattern is quite cliche but it works! I wouldn't fall for such guys in real life and that's what makes Darcy so special. 

2. Ron Weasley (Harry Potter): He is the guy next door. Clueless. With typical guy habits. He can be annoying, insensitive, messy, jealous. He transforms from an eleven year old cute kid to a tall hunky fellow. I love him . I do. 

3. Michael Flynn Hennessey (Key of light): He made me want to fall in love. Easy going on the surface but quite shrewd ( in a good way) And  he is witty! He can squat down on the floor, wolf down a pizza AND successfully run a newspaper. Fun to be with and unpredictable, who wouldn't want to wooed by a Flynn? 

4. Sirius Black (Harry Potter): The adorable bad guy. Reckless practical joker. Very loyal to his friends. To die for! And the best part is he is not paired with anybody. Atleast he is single if not available. ( I will ignore the fact that he is dead *sniff*)

I have a very big grin on my face right now. Not exactly a grin, a "I am thinking about a guy I like" smile. I feel like giggling the teenagery sort of giggle. I don't have butterflies in my stomach but I wish I did. 

The 'Romantic' Hero

Girls are consistently fed the ‘romantic' hero stereotype, starting from the age of three with stories of Cinderella’s Prince Charming relayed to them every night.


And why was he called Prince Charming and not something else? Did all he have was charm? I am guessing that must be the case. All he did was dance with her. No bravado, no sign of intelligence. Seriously, choosing a bride on the basis of her shoe size? But he sure was charming.


And the romantic movies. Look at all the guys Hugh Grant has played. Sweet, caring, charming. RICH. Intelligent, blah, blah blah.

And closer home there is Sharukh Khan flinging his arms wide; with his oh so cute dimpled smile; singing songs that can melt your heart. Running in mustard fields telling you “Main hoon Na”.

Well, obviously our expectations are high and obviously we are disappointed when we take off our tinted glasses and find the real life guy types- the MCP, The slob, The show off, the Brawn without brains etc etc.

And girls have the task of finding a guy she could love, wading through a sea of the guy types. And well, they do find their own Prince “not so charming” and maybe their own knight in “Versace” armour.


Girls have to basically realize that guys will be guys. Some of them will be jerks hiding under the prince charming disguise. Some will turn out to be nice but they still will have guy habits. But that’s why we like them, don’t we? And let’s face it, no all of us like Prince Charming.

The "fast" factor

Karva Chauth, made famous by Indian Movies and soaps isn't as romantic or sweet a day as made out to be. For those who don't know Karva Chauth is the day woman of north Indian communities ( Marwaris, Punjabis, UP-aites) fast for the long lives of their husbands. They don't eat or drink the whole day, there is a get-together of fasting ladies in the evening and they perform a ritual which I have nicknamed "passing the parcel" ans then at night they look at the moon and break their fast by having water and a small bite of something

So basically if a woman does not fast she is looked down upon by the society which is pre-dominantly full of the xy chromosome people who dictate the dos and donts of our society. And Karva Chauth like many other Hindu festivals is purely reflection of the male chauvinism in our world.(One other example is Rakhi and Bhai duuj, where sisters pray for the long lives of their brothers !duh!)


There is nothing romantic about Karva Chauth, it's the woman who keep fasts. I have nothing against fasts. Occasional fasting is supposedly good for health (  I don't know how true that is?) What I have a problem with is the reason for the fast. As if fasting will actually increase the lifespan of the dear hubby ( there would be no widows in our land if that was true) Other communities don't fast, don't their husbands live long ? Do they die premature deaths?

I don't understand the logic behind all this. Is there any?


 Many myths are associated with this day, they are fortunately just myths. Yet woman are superstitious enough to believe that if they stop fasting something terrible will befall their husbands. And if she doesn't fast and something does happen she will be blamed. And so woman fast. And men secretly love it.