You've come a long way, Kid! Part 2

My natural instinct is to be over-sensitive, moody and reserved.

I however realized that these characteristics could end up becoming my Hamartia- my fatal flaw. So I needed to change that. I started to de-sensitize myself. Every small thing needn’t hurt me. I started letting go of my grudges. And since I was confident about my abilities now, I stopped caring about what other people thought of me, my actions, my words. Yes, I did and still do care about what my friends and family think about, but that’s about it.

I am still moody but I have learned to control my moods to a certain extent. I still get cranky when I am hungry.

And about being reserved? I am still a reserved person at heart but somehow people have a different image. I am friendly, I talk to people. Smile, sing, laugh, joke around, act crazy. Who would say I am reserved?  Not that I am faking all this. All the jokes, the fun is part of me. But I do have a quieter part. Only a handful of people have gotten past the surface and seen my serious side. My shy side. I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve. ( except when I write, that is)

I sometimes wonder if I can become the quiet girl again. I don’t think I can, even if I wanted to. Whenever I am a bit quiet my friends think something is wrong. Not many people like silences. But its true that I talk more now and cant go back to being the person I was. I used be able to stay quiet for hours. Not anymore.

I can now move on. Let go. Accept changes. Let things run its course. Or just let them be.

I believe a lot in destiny. I was destined to write. But if I sit tight, don’t do anything about it, don’t write. Then it’s my fault. Yeah its my destiny, but it is to some extent in my hands. I believe in the stars and everything. But I also believe in hard work. in making things happen.

Sixteen year old me wouldn’t have imagined such wonderful things happening to her. I did turn out to be OKAY. The future seems bright and atlast I can swim!

You've come a long way, kid!

Very recently a very sweet junior of mine described me as a “mastikhor”. That was the first time someone used such an adjective to describe me. I was surprised and very very pleased. Who would have thought that the erstwhile quiet girl like me would be called a “mastikhor”. WOW!

That got me thinking about myself. I turned 21 a few days back and that got me thinking some more. I have come a long way. I know everyone does. Just that I am so amazed at the changes in me that I would like to share it.

I was a terribly under-confident teenager for several reasons.

I was an average student to start with. And was demoralized so much for my poor performance in science subjects that I stopped believing in myself and as a result became a below average student. I hated it. More so because my parents believed I could do better. They could see it, I just couldn’t.

I wasn’t very athletic either( I still aint but I don’t really care about it now) Not being picked for any sport kinda hurt.

Since I was epileptic as a child I was on medicine till I was fifteen. I hated that. A lot. And I kept it a secret, none of my friends knew my medical past. I had to go for annual check ups and EEG tests. I wasn’t allowed to learn how to swim. Then of course by the time I was allowed life got to busy for lessons and well I was too embarrassed to learn.

So till I was around sixteen I wasn’t sure about my abilities in any field. I wasn’t even confident about my writing.

People grow up. They grow out of their gawkiness and so did I. somehow I gained confidence a few months before my class 10 boards. I got even more confident when I changed schools in class 11. ( More
of that some other time maybe)

People change. I am glad I did. I like the ‘new’ me better.

Breaking the fall

The other day while rehearsing for our play I tried the trust game with my friend ( lets call her Kaniti). You know the game where you let yourself go and fall? And your partner has to catch you from behind? Its not about strength but about trusting the other person. When I told her what to do and then fell she couldn’t catch me and a fell down. Got a couple of bruises too.



The point is I didn’t mind falling. I didn’t mind her not catching me. And I was willing to give it another shot. I still trusted her to catch me. And even if she didn’t break my fall for the 2nd, 3th, 4th and 5th attempt I would have still fallen for her. Still trusted her to catch me on her 7th, 8th and 9th attempt. And if my friend would have trusted herself enough she would have been able to catch me.


Have trust in your abilities as a friend. Friendship doesn’t require solving all your friends’ problems. I used to think so earlier and proclaim myself a failure when I couldn’t solve my friends’ problems.


Once, Kaniti and I whined together (Hell we almost cried but 21 year olds don’t cry I guess) we both had separate emotional burdens yet neither of us had solutions or a piece of advice for the other. But we did feel better after a bout of mutual whining. Maybe its about being able to whine together.


Sometimes ‘I am there’ isn’t a ‘constant by your side always’ presence. Its more of when you are in your lowest of low emotional holes, you close your eyes and you know that whatever shit happens the ‘ I am there’ person will still be there.


Most people will judge you when you are in your crappiest, worst phase; even your parents; not the ‘I am there’ person.


But then you have to have an ‘I am there’ person. You need to trust yourself, trust your abilities as a friend.


Trust yourself so that you have full trust in the fact that I trust you.

Almost squashed but determined

The other day I was sitting in the new merc, on a mission, following orders. Trying to trudge towards my destination. (One doesn’t trudge in a merc, I know)



Um well just wanted to sound dramatic. I was on a bus, on my way to college. Sitting by the window side, admiring the view. And what a view it was, men using the road as a public toilet, men crossing the road at the wrong time beckoning Lord Accident to descend on them. Great view.


I was enjoying the view wondering why I had forgotten my earphones forcing my cell to sit idle in my pocket.


I was alone (well, not entirely) No one was sitting beside me. Out of nowhere this lady materialized(Now that I think of it she must have boarded the bus and I like many others don’t notice who boards the bus when.) She sat beside me, even though there were other empty seats. Now let me tell you, I usually don’t have any problem if people sit beside me. No, there was a reason to be mortified. This lady was thrice my size if not four times bigger. I am no size zero but I do have a thin figure. So I can safely say I had reason to be apprehensive.

I could have managed somehow had it been just her size. After a few minutes she started complaining. About everything from the weather to the crowd, to the lady leaning against the seat. Everything. Then I realized that I had heard this woman before. She had, a week ago been sitting behind me in the bus, and i recalled  her complaining about everything the whole 40 minutes I was in the bus. And so I thought “I have to endure this for atleast 30 minutes. God." At that point she wondered aloud why she had chosen to sit there( a nice gentle lady was leaning against the seat at that very moment) I too repeated “I wonder why”


Her size caused me a lot more trouble than I had envisioned. She was pressing her weight against me so much that I was sure by the time I reached my stop I would be so thin I would get sucked into a straw if I ever try to suck from one.


I had to do something. I would love to be thinner but not so thin! I tried to tell her politely, but she was to busy complaining to even hear me. Maybe she had too much fat in her ears and one would need a microphone to be hard by heard.


I tried to shove her with my elbow. Unsuccessful. I think I now have a tennis elbow. I repeated this whole process of politeness and shoving twice, to no avail.


They say “try try until you succeed”. I did try a lot, but before I could succeed my stop came so I got down.

What I hated about 2010

Its the last day of the year. 2010 personally was a good year for me. Tommorow a new year begins. its just another saterday. Mornings will still be the same. The sun will shine in the same way it had today. Nights will still be dark. Yet it will be a new year. But we Indians celebrate New Year so many times, be it Poila Baisakh or Baisakhi. But then its a new year tommorow according to the calender most of us follow.

Today, on the last day of the year I want to list some things I hated about 2010. Here goes

The IPL teams/Lalit Modi controversy



I like cricket. Just don’t ask me the rules. IPL has made the game more understandable and much more fun for non-sports people like me. But this year the controversy regarding ownership of teams spoiled all the exhilaration of the game.


The bad publicity India got for hosting CWG


I Am all for India and her achievements. And if being able to host the CWG is counted as an triumph for India, so be it. But then do a proper job of it. What’s the use of taking up something if you cant handle it. This basically led to something worse- the over hyped bad publicity before the games and the Kalmadi scam after the games took away the spotlight from the Indian participants who had done so well. No one remembers who won gold silver or bronze at the games but ask anyone about the mismanagement and Kalmadi’s skills and everyone will have an answer. Basically instead of the focus being on the games the controversies surrounding it became the center of attention. Not Good.


The late winter


I love every season-summer for the mangoes, monsoon for the poetry and winter for the blankets. The late arrival of any season irks me. One looks forward to something and that something is so damn late. Punctuality is supposed to be a virtue. Virtue or not winter was late and on top of that it’s not very cold. The sky didn’t really turn “a hazy shade of winter” nor was December “deep and dark”. So am not happy with winter 2010


The soaring prices (specially of onions)


Not that I am the one emptying my pockets for veggies. But because of the sky high prices onion consumption was rationed. And yes the high rates became “the” topic of conversation. Mention onions and ears were pricked, people swayed their heads in disapproval and voila a conversation on onions has began, followed by a discussion on onion less recipes and how there are people (unlike us) who have always gone without consuming onions.


The “Big Boss” hype and other sadist, voyeuristic shows


I must admit that even though I hate the concept of voyeurism I have watched an episode here and there of Big Boss, Emotional Attyachar and similar shows. I know Bigg Boss is not exactlyan only 2010 phenomenon but the court had ordered an “after 11” time slot for adult viewership shows. 9, 10 and 11year olds discussing the antics of contestants of adult content shows like Big Boss and Splitsvilla is just ridiculous. But that is a different issue altogether. Hype over voyeuristic shows has increased this year which will certainly lead to more dramatic trends in society in the years to come. These shows are quite popular which proves that the once suppressed phenomenon of voyeurism and sadistic pleasure over peoples discomfort, humiliation and pain is now out in the open. But I, like many do not like this trend.


A series of badly written books


These books are full of grammatical mistakes and typos. With wafer thin predictable plots, poor characterization and bollywoodized situations the books were puke-worthy. And they gave non-readers a right to claim that they “read books”, an open insult to genuine bookreaders and the other extreme bookworms. Examples- ‘I too had a lovestory’, ‘ofcourse I love you..till I find someone better’ . How I hate those books. And their creators who claim to be writers. Whatever.


Rallies in Kolkata



Almost everyday in Kolkata is spent trying to figure out who is calling a rally for what. Not that I care much for the cause but it makes travelling on the Kolkata roads a pain.


Munni and her being badnam



Sorry guys but I hate that song. Even though Malliaka Arora khan supposedly looks hot in it( I am straight)Even though Zandu balm has got loads of publicity. Gawd what a crude song. Am not playing moral police but I wouldn’t ever want to sing that song aloud even if am drunk.


There are ofcourse many other things that I could have hated but can't recall at the moment.
 
On a pleasanter note
 
A very happy New year to all!