Pricked

FOUR

You're like a paper cut
you make me bleed.
At first it was hardly there.
I didn't even notice it.

And then I realised
I was pricking myself
on paper.

I have bruises
I don't remember getting.

You hurt me
slowly
it's like water dripping down
a leaking tap. 

It hardly makes a sound
and you forget about it.
And when you do notice
you feel like you'll drown.

I didn't notice
the blood at first.

It was only when; after
hundreds of cuts
the blood stained my white shirt;
I noticed my red finger,
my now red hand. 

And I remembered 
all those times 
you hurt me;
unnoticed. 

And it pains now. 

~Anjee, Nov 2013

This is the fourth poem in my series of melancholy poems Mid Carnival of Woe. 

Smart travel to Greece

Greece has always been my dream country. I have this childlike glee when I think of Greece. My experience in Greece has to be magical. This year, visiting Greece is one of my goals and I am pretty sure I will!

While I have never travelled abroad I have a fair idea on how I will save money and enjoy my stay in my dream destination

Plan way ahead!

Travelling right is also about planning ahead and doing your research. Sites like exploroo and Planapple help you plan itineraries and connect you to other travelers. I have also used

Frommers which makes it easy for people to share 

their own experiences and itineraries. Doing your research before hand helps you save so much headache. Since I plan to travel to Greece this year, I have already started planning my holiday dates and itineraries and after a lot of thought and research have zeroed in on Mykonos, Athens and Santorini as the priority places to visit.  I am also finding out all the tourist attractions in these cities so that I don’t have to depend on hotel staff to direct me to the right places.

Book in advance

Anywhere I travel to, it makes sense to plan and book major things like tickets and hotels much before the intended travel time. That saves a lot of money!

Travel off season

I don’t like clichés and I don’t like crowds. You will most likely see me at a touristy spot at a time when most people don’t visit it.  The foremost advantage of going somewhere off season is that you have more options for accommodation. Hotels, guest houses, inns AND tickets will be much cheaper if you go off season. But there is a also a disadvantage- many touristy spots are completely closed to the public during the off season- so everyone needs to be careful about that.

Look for cheap deals

Another thing I am doing now is exploring different travel sites and agencies and comparing their deals and packages. Many tourism agencies keep offering deals which turn out to be way more reasonable than your original budget. All you have to do is look out!

Know the culture

For me travelling is not just about going to a place and ticking it off in your check list. For me travelling is about experiencing a new culture; understanding it; soaking it in. Getting to know new cultures is one of the major reasons I want to travel. I believe in the old adage-when in Rome do as the Romans do. When In Greece, do as Greeks do! Find out about what is expected behavior and what is not. Try to stick to it. That way you don’t alienate the locals and they are more accepting of you and therefor open to the idea of helping you out. Get a phrasebook. Make the effort to learn atleast the catchphrase in the local language. Even though Greece is essentially about beaches,  I won’t dress in beachwear everywhere, expecting it to be the norm. Here again comes the keyword- research. A little cultural knowledge about the country you’re travelling to will go a long way.

Get a local sim

This is a tip I picked up from A. When he went to Vietnam he bought a local sim which made communication with his friends easier and much much cheaper. He also bought skype credits so that we could talk on a daily basis. I too plan to do the same when I travel to Greece, I think it will save a lot of money and hassle. 

 Find out best ways to travel within the cities- 

 I also need to save money on local transport. Once I’ve planned my itinerary I will find out what the best way to travel within the cities is. I think the biggest mistake people do is use expensive transport. They end up paying much more than required. Many times public transport is cheap and yet very comfortable. In some countries you can hire cycles or bikes to move around the city and that becomes a big bonus as you don’t need to depend on the local transport. Getting to know bus routes in a new country can get tiresome so I will  prefer to find out beforehand.

Food! (very important!)

Tasting local cuisine is a big part of understanding Greek culture. I will definitely want to try local cuisine but don’t want to pay a bomb for it. So my research will also include what kind of food is available. Think of it this way- if someone comes to India and tries street food in a restaurant he will be paying for it much more than he intended to. He may have been unaware that he could have had the same thing at a much cheaper price. I don’t want to make that mistake. So research for food options will also be a priority.


So I think I have covered all bases but there is one more thing which I learnt from my dad-when you're at a new place be prepared to be ripped off and pay extra knowingly. You never know what could happen. More importantly, relax and enjoy your hard earned holiday without any worries!


I have always wanted to write such a post and Indiblogger's new contest tie up with skyscanner was enough motivation to finally do so.

Check out Skyscanner for smart travel plans. Click on the link here

A very expensive love affair

The other day I went shopping with my mom (Chi, wyak thoo) and we ended up going to jewellery shops. There was this one particular shop we went to,  the owner  is such an excellent salesman that he convinced me to buy stuff I would not have even considered. 

And the more I tried on stuff, the more I fell in love with the idea of wearing jewellery. I have hardly ever worn jewelry and don't think I will ever be a regular wearer of bling. Mostly because I can't be bothered and also because jewelry digs into mys skin.

But that day I was liking loving all the pieces I looked at. Maybe I was caught up in the beauty of it all. And maybe because I realised that jewellery ( when I wore the kind I liked) suited me. 

And now I actually own jewellery. (Even though I don't even know if I 'll ever wear them!) 

Though I am still not sure if I want this love story to last. 

Flowers and cliche and romance.

I realised that I like the idea of receiving flowers. It’s a sweet  gesture. Even if they wilt after some time. 

I now have to figure out my favourite flowers is. And if I prefer a single stalk or a bouquet. I don't even have an opinion on their romanticness. I was once given a red rose on a date. I didn't go gaga over it. But it was sweet. And cheesy and cliche. Not a fan of cliches. I am definitely not a red rose person. I know I like yellow roses. Nice and bright. 

I think Orchids look good as decoration in parties. Shivli and Rajniganda would smell good.

Right now I am wondering about how I would react if surprised with flowers. The point is; when they wilt it makes me sad. Atleast when they are on trees you don't have to witness them wilting. Flowers DO look better on trees. 

 I have recently started pressing and drying flowers and making potpourri out of them. I do it before they start wilting and this way they last for so much longer. 

I once wrote a poem about how choosing flowers is not a very good idea because they wilt.

Flowers and destinies do not lie together...
When I chose flowers,they wilted
So I choose my destiny, and cry.

 I used these lines as my about me on fb because I felt my life was like that- I don't get to choose flowers; the easy path. I no longer feel that about my life even though I still don't want to follow the herd. I am doing what I love and I am certainly not unhappy. Neither is the path that tough, it's just different and I won't have it any other way. 

So yes, I am ready for flowers now. 

Despair

Like getting ready and going out and getting drenched in sudden rain.
And all your hair undone and all your make up; washed out.

Like those untruths which started out as a joke but the words flowed and it became
a bag full of lies which could not be thrown in a trash can. 

Like not knowing where you stand. Do you stand, at all?
Are you falling? Have you fallen? Will you be getting up soon?

Like standing outside a clinic and realising that 
you really want the baby but can't keep it.

Like crying yourself to sleep and getting up in the morning 
even though it's easier to sleep. And maybe even easier to reach out for those pills.

Like not knowing and all the thinking and wondering
killing you slowly and not being able to stop.

Like drilling holes in an already wounded heart
and somehow accepting the pain.

Like drowning in three feet water, it seems impossible
but it can happen and you don't even think of it.

Like not stopping, like not knowing if you can
and going around in circles looking for answers for questions never asked


Like shedding silent tears because you're mediocre 
instead of brilliant; like knowing you have no right to cry.

~Anjee, Nov 2013


This poem is part of my series Mid Carnival of woe

Happy Birthday, A

A turned 26 today and this is what I put together for him

I contacted his friends and told them to click pictures of themselves with one of the letters that make up the B'day message. I edited the pics, put them all together and made this collage. 

A's reaction was priceless and I am so glad he loved it. 

Anyway, here's wishing you a very Happy B'day A. May you get all the happiness you deserve. 

S 'agapó̱

Hear me out, will you?

So I am in my room drinking ( I have a secret stash of Chivas Regal. Don't ask me how.) and writing shit when I realise that I feel like smoking. ( I also have a seceret stash of ciggys though I am not a smoker.)

So I go to the bathroom and smoke and since I was also having chocolate I am already a bit high. So I started thinking about meta writing. Is that even a thing? Must be! So I was thinking of the whole process of writing ( more precisely blogging ) and it came down to one thing. No matter what someone claims blogging can't be personal. It never is. We all do it for an audience. I mean, if we wanted it to be personal we would write an effing diary or something.

But I feel even personal diaries ain't personal. There is a desire (even a tiny little one) in all of to be heard. So there this wish, that maybe just maybe someone will be sneaky and read our thoughts. And maybe just a few lines written specifically for an audience, will creep in. 

I want to be read. Even though writing is a very personal thing for me; when I write for my blog I want an audience. 

It's all about puttting forward your opinion.

Hey world I exist and this is what I think! 

The point is that no one cares a damn. Unless you're famous. Or in Bollywood. Then you can say shit and everyone cares. So you get down to your knees   ( Why would you do that? Why did I write that? I hope I am not high enough to write shit because I know I will post this anyway.)

No doubt blogging helps you improve as a writer ( in a bid to be read you try to improve your style etc etc ) 

How do you people do it? See a dream, wake up and write it down. If I remember to write mine down will I get a bestseller?

Sorry for the tangent. (Please remember that I am downing expensive whiskey like I would down cheap vodka. You're supposed to savour these things but I am not. Sue me. )

Am I trying to appeal to a wider audience? I don't know yet. What I do know is I am trying to improve as a writer. (Hope that works soon. )

I need to avoid using parentheses ( I always called them brackets) but I seem to love them. I need to be more creative. I need to give it more time. I need to do so many things. 

But right now I need to tell myself-"Slow down baby, you're no waterfall" 

P. S: I'm too high to do anymore meta thinking. kthnxbai

How to not panic when you lose your data on your device

So last week I lost a lot of data on my pendrive which I use as a back up. My first reaction was to panic. 

Wouldn't anyone ?!

After 10 minutes of whining and trying to pull my hair off I googled my problems and came up with a few solutions.

Recovery software

One common thing that every article online suggested is using Recovery software and believe me you're spoiled for choice. Some of them will only let you view the data unless you buy it but many like Recuva and zar are pretty good free software. I tried quite a few but these worked. Recuva recovered files and images I had deleted way back in 2010-11. Unfortunately for me, the files I wanted could not be viewed even after recovery

Overwritten files will not be valid after recovery

That's what the saddest part was. While recovery softwares do work, all files may not be recovered. It's 50-50 chance. I didn't get back the files I desperatley wanted. Apparently, they had been over-written. 

Back up, back up and more back up

I for one thing beleive that we rely on technology too much and forget that they're machines and anything can go wrong! I used only my pendrive as back up. It wasn't even secure! Ideally I should have had more back up. So you should have 2-3 back up options for your important files. And that's where comes cloud storage

Cloud networks

Cloud computing is not a new concept but cloud storage is. These days cloud networks like dropbox and google drive are available and one can easily back up files. It's as easy as registering and you have unlimited space. Well, dropbox initially gives you limited space and you have to
 upgrade/recommend to get more space which is annoying. Google drive gives you loads of space and if you have a google account (which they make sure we invariably do!) you can just log in from your account and access your drive.  It's a relatively new feature but I wish I had done it when I came to know about it. 

Emails

If you feel that storing all your files on a cloud network is too invasive (which I feel it is, even though it's very convenient.) you can email your docs and pics to yourself. It is ofcourse more time consuming than just dropping all your files on a drive but is a little more private than the clouds. Plus an extra back up option. After the catastrophe I feel one can't have enough back up!. 

One more thing I learned while trying to find out why my files got deleted was- Free anti virus does not give you full protection!

Believe it or not, you do need more protection.  Even safe sites can bring viruses. So invest some money and pay for an anti-virus! I had always downloaded anti virus after my authentic paid for one ended. Which apparently was a big big mistake. So now I actually bought anti virus. I am not taking any chances! (Yes, I am pretty paranoid. )

 So  what would you have done if you lost your data? And what back up options do you use? 

Are we done with Barbie bashing?

Barbie is after all, merely a toy!

I wish people would stop criticizing Barbie.

I used to love playing with her. She was such a big part of the first 7 years of my childhood and I have some very good memories of playing with her

I didn't notice her perfect figure and I am sure it had nothing to do with my body image. ( That I entirely attribute to movies, magazines and media AND my low self esteem as a teen. ) I feel that blaming the Barbie for body image issues is a little extreme.

You forget that the barbie has been a pilot, president, doctor among other professions. I know her figure is a topic of controversy- a thin waist, big boobs; her figure is certainly not very “real”. There are many things children play with that do not correspond with real life. And that is the whole point! It’s not real! It was never supposed to be. It’s a toy for God’s sake!

I have a problem with outrage at everything. Or maybe it is my attachment to barbie that is making me biased. I am open to a conversation.

How a kid perceive a toy ( or anything) depends on the individual.

 I feel the nature/nurture argument plays a definite role here. I grew up in a relatively equal environment. I didn’t face any discrimination based on gender at my home front. My parents gave me the choice to choose the toys I wanted to play with. I had constructions sets AND barbies. Toy trains AND kitchen sets. I had gender neutral toys (Most toys available then were gender neutral, this pink/blue things is a recent trend.) I have educative toys.

I experimented with my Barbie, I colored their hair black with my marker; I made them kiss each other ( didn't know anything about LGBT at that point, though.) I forced my mom to stitch clothes for them. Playing with barbies, making up stories fueled my imagination. So don’t dismiss barbies just yet.

 Exposure to unrealistic beauty standards is  harmful.   

I am not claiming to be an expert on how much of a role Barbie has to play in this. I just feel that maybe we’re reading too much into a simple doll that gave (and gives ) so much joy to so many kids out there.

So here’s my foolish request. No it’s a plea. ( I know it won’t change anything, but still) Please stop with the barbie bashing, already!

P. S : I scoured the Internet (sort of) and found many articles about the barbie controversy. If you hate barbie and want it banned from toysphere here's one for you Barbie bashing. And here's one here too. 

And if you're a former Barbie fan girl like me here's one for you- Barbie loving and here's one here too. 

Random shit about a random sleepy day

 You know those days where you feel you've been drugged and sleep all day? I had one of them today. I had a oral driving test today and I randomly went without much of a glance at the shit I had to study. For the first time in my existance I was not nervous before an exam. And I woke up as late as 9. The oral got over in 10 mins. I kept back home and promptly went to sleep. I got up for lunch and went back to bed again. Only woke up at 5, feeling slightly better. 

So anyway, I will learning to drive in a few days. I was sort of freaking out earlier but now I am excited. I will finally learn how to drive. I so hope I don't suck at it.

So that's about it. Random shit about a random day. 

The first thought

A poem within me.

Smiling, yearning,

crying.

Passionate,

dead, dull

beautiful.

Sweet darkness of my own,

give light to my poem,

my own.

Teardrops like rain,

falling.

Poem, you’re beautiful,

I exist in you.

familiar face,

déjà vu.

Poem, I cry for you.

~26.03.09

The first step: A guest post by Amateur at this

Hey! This month I have another guest on Pigeonheadophobia. Satyabati, also known as Amateur at this in the blogging world is a very dear friend of mine. We go back a long way. We were school friends, lost touch and then reconnected around two years ago. Satyabati, though a Calcuttan at heart is currently based in Hyderabad where she is doing her masters in English. She is also a talented freelance content writer. And now that introductions are done I am handing my blog over to her. 

The First Step

I had relocated to Hyderabad in pursuit of higher education (and happiness, I might add) from my hometown Kolkata in 2012. So when my friend asked me to write a guest post for her blog, I thought I’d write something about my first encounter with reality outside home.

I’m a residential student of my university, meaning I live on campus. Of course, that the move brought a tremendous change in my life cannot be enough emphasized. It has been more than a year and a half since I first came to Hyderabad, yet at times I am still left grappling with the challenges of living alone.

Loneliness. This was the first emotion I could identify amongst the squiggling bundle of nerves that I had become in my initial days. I had never lived a day on my own in my entire 21 year old life. I wasn’t exactly nervous, but there was a constant jittery feeling in my head.

Certain things took time to get used to, like the fact that I have to go eat my meals on my own responsibility. If I went hungry, nobody would give a rat’s gut about it. Then came the usual washing, cleaning, and the occasional cooking.

In my undergraduate days, all my friends spoke the same language. And I mean that very literally. But in my university, I suddenly met numerous fellow students from various linguistic backgrounds. I feel that if I had not come here, in this multi-lingual environment, I would never have fully appreciated how important English is, to me and as a common communicative language.

Kolkata is the city that saw nearly all of my firsts. But Hyderabad has in a way become my rite to passage into adulthood. I went to my first nightclub here. I had never been able to cook anything before, so Hyderabad has had the pleasure of my first khichdi; my first chocolate-bomb on Diwali, my first DJ-Night, my first binge drinking and passing out, my first haggle with the sabzi-wala, my first getting lost in the city without a dime in my pocket...

Hyderabad isn’t home. I don’t think it’ll ever be. But yes, it is special. It is special how it rains here. It is special to look at the entire city awakening as the sun goes down from the top of Maula-Ali. It is special because, even with all the difference in language, food and culture, it gave a scared girl in self denial hope, that it will be alright. All you need to do is take the first step.

Book fair 2014 and some nostalgia

Book fair has lost it's charm for me. I came here for some work but then my friends were late so I entered and walked around to see if I could get back my years and years of stored up nostalgia. I didn't. I didn't feel anything. I don't feel excitement at seeing so many stalls; I don't feel any kind of joy that I have felt earlier. 

Today. there are so many more avenues for me to buy books. There's flipkart. And family friends with bookstores who give you discount throughout the year. And the annual British Council sale where you get books dirt cheap, literally. The book fair does not offer me something new, something different.

The premises are huge, ofcourse. It's held at Milan Mela. Which is bang opposite science city and ITC sonar bangla Hotel. So, pretty accessible location. A huge crowd of people are here. It's a big thing here; not as big as Durga Puja but it's still a pretty big deal in Calcutta. It's also become a touristy picnic-y thing to do. And people in Calcutta are generally book lovers. Well, most bongs are (sorry for the stereotyping )