Tuesday, June 28, 2011

You've come a long way, Kid! Part 2

My natural instinct is to be over-sensitive, moody and reserved.

I however realized that these characteristics could end up becoming my Hamartia- my fatal flaw. So I needed to change that. I started to de-sensitize myself. Every small thing needn’t hurt me. I started letting go of my grudges. And since I was confident about my abilities now, I stopped caring about what other people thought of me, my actions, my words. Yes, I did and still do care about what my friends and family think about, but that’s about it.
I am still moody but I have learned to control my moods to a certain extent. I still get cranky when I am hungry.

And about being reserved? I am still a reserved person at heart but somehow people have a different image. I am friendly, I talk to people. Smile, sing, laugh, joke around, act crazy. Who would say I am reserved?  Not that I am faking all this. All the jokes, the fun is part of me. But I do have a quieter part. Only a handful of people have gotten past the surface and seen my serious side. My shy side. I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve. ( except when I write, that is)

I sometimes wonder if I can become the quiet girl again. I don’t think I can, even if I wanted to. Whenever I am a bit quiet my friends think something is wrong. Not many people like silences. But its true that I talk more now and cant go back to being the person I was. I used be able to stay quiet for hours. Not anymore.

I can now move on. Let go. Accept changes. Let things run its course. Or just let them be.

I believe a lot in destiny. I was destined to write. But if I sit tight, don’t do anything about it, don’t write. Then it’s my fault. Yeah its my destiny, but it is to some extent in my hands. I believe in the stars and everything. But I also believe in hard work. in making things happen.

Sixteen year old me wouldn’t have imagined such wonderful things happening to her. I did turn out to be OKAY. The future seems bright and atlast I can swim!

You've come a long way, kid!

Very recently a very sweet junior of mine described me as a “mastikhor”. That was the first time someone used such an adjective to describe me. I was surprised and very very pleased. Who would have thought that the erstwhile quiet girl like me would be called a “mastikhor”. WOW!

That got me thinking about myself. I turned 21 a few days back and that got me thinking some more. I have come a long way. I know everyone does. Just that I am so amazed at the changes in me that I would like to share it.

I was a terribly under-confident teenager for several reasons.

I was an average student to start with. And was demoralized so much for my poor performance in science subjects that I stopped believing in myself and as a result became a below average student. I hated it. More so because my parents believed I could do better. They could see it, I just couldn’t.

I wasn’t very athletic either( I still aint but I don’t really care about it now) Not being picked for any sport kinda hurt.

Since I was epileptic as a child I was on medicine till I was fifteen. I hated that. A lot. And I kept it a secret, none of my friends knew my medical past. I had to go for annual check ups and EEG tests. I wasn’t allowed to learn how to swim. Then of course by the time I was allowed life got to busy for lessons and well I was too embarrassed to learn.

So till I was around sixteen I wasn’t sure about my abilities in any field. I wasn’t even confident about my writing.

People grow up. They grow out of their gawkiness and so did I. somehow I gained confidence a few months before my class 10 boards. I got even more confident when I changed schools in class 11. ( More
of that some other time maybe)

People change. I am glad I did. I like the ‘new’ me better.