A case of romance and wrong timing

The following was written in Jan 2011. I was at a very miserable place emotionally. Was suffering from a serious case of loneliness and helplessness. As an emotional person I need to cry. At that point of time though, crying didn't feel justified. 

***

I don't know how you managed to break my heart. How did you get to it? How do I mourn for the loss of something I never had? Why do I feel so doomed? Yet, no tears come. I can only produce a slightly tired half smile. To compensate for the un shed tears I cannot even sigh. Trapped, by my own restrictions. Life will go on, and so will I. 

Such a loss cannot be explained. Just can't be. I can't remain idle. When I do I can only think of my loss. My mind is in such turmoil, I can't think straight. When I am alone a terrible loneliness engulfs me. Being with friends is not enough for me. This is almost desperation. 

It's a Wednesday. A Wednesday I am unlikely to forget for a long time. I can't help feeling so hurt over a person I barely knew. I am hurt. I just can't believe I am so hurt. 

But I can't shed tears. My tears won't help me this time. I know, no one can collect them. As I keep my non-existent tears aside I wonder why I am so hurt. I wish I could cry. Crying would help. Maybe. 

Something I can't admit to myself that even though I am happy I am lonely. Is it possible to be both at the same time? I can't understand myself. I have lost control over my emotions. I hate losing control. 

I am not confident about the matters of my heart anymore. And I am so scared, so confused. I can't even be depressed. I am a happy person. Positive. Optimistic. 

I will still believe in Aphrodite. For she matters to me. 

***

Update: I got over this phase in a week. I remember feeling an immense sense of relief after writing my feelings down. Didn't feel like posting it then. Came across it today in an old notebook.

You could just drive by

"Sexy!"

That's what my sister said while browsing through pictures of the Audi A8. She was literally drooling over a car! And the other day she was over the moon because she had touched an Audi. 

Almost every guy I know reacts in quite a similar way while admiring a car. 

As for me, I can't differentiate between cars. I can't tell from one make to another. If my life depended on recognising cars I would probably die. The only cars I can recognise without having to read what's written on it is the Maruti 800(we used to have it), Chevrolet beat(we have it now) A Santro (my Mamu used to have one) Getz, and ambassadors. Well, you get the drift.

For me a car is to be used to drive from destination X to destination Y. As simple as that. Why should I care about the make of a car?

A week or so ago I asked A how good a car Indica was. What started with a simple question turned into a full fledged lesson of sorts about cars, their make, identifying cars and so on. I was intrigued. There was so much to know about cars, so much to find out. From the next day  I started paying more attention to cars, peering at their logos to see their make. This new hobby is somewhat interesting. Unfortunately, I  cannot identify cars even now and so my interest is dwindling. 

The other day I thought to myself. If I ever buy my own car, I will not bother deciding which one. I will fix on a budget and ask A or my sister or my cousin bro to advice me on a good car. Not just suggest, maybe even choose for me. I really wouldn't care less. I don't have a dream car, thank you very much.

I do have to learn driving soon though. I keep putting it off. Soon, soon, very soon. 

I am not attracted to cars. I will listen to anyone talking about cars with whole hearted interest. If they say that a particular car is amazing and sexy I will agree. If they point to a Merc and say it's a BMW I will agree. I am sure these knowledgeable people know a lot about cars and I appreciate their knowledge. I am enthusiastic about new knowledge and will grasp whatever new facts my brain takes in. 

Cars are useful and if they are so interesting to most guys and a number of girls who am I to open my mouth?

P.S: While typing this I searched for images of an Audi A8 and The Maruti SX4. What I understood was both had four wheels and were car shaped. 

April

Exams are not the best host for The Muse. May will be better. I miss this place. And my notebook. Fiction, in general. Reading and writing. 


A very tiring time, this. Tiring And trying. I hate exams, if you must know. My finals. College life will then be truly over. After exams, that is. 






I sometimes talk to myself. I often talk to myself. Aloud. 




Sigh. April 27th. 


Come back soon, Muse. 


With love,
you know me