Monday, March 17, 2014

Because sometimes you feel overwhelmed

My life will change after 3 and a half months. I am getting married ( Surprise?) Most 40+ people are excited when they get to know and ask me how I feel. My peers on the other hand were surprised. 


The decision to get married was mine. So obviously, in the beginning I was pretty excited. Then came the cold feet part. ( Which I guess, happens to everyone. ) I had a lot on my mind. Firstly I was scared of the married tag. I mean, married! That sounds so responsible and boring. That scared the shit out of me. Secondly, I felt that A was feeling pressurized about getting married. As if I was unconsciously or consciously forcing him to. Thirdly, the fact that most of my cousins married in their late twenties and I feel as if I am marrying pretty darn early. 

 

I am not as pretty and won't ever look as graceful as she did if I ever do try to run


But what bugged me the most is my lack of financial independence. I always imagined that I would be earning ( and earning well) before I get married. That would have been ideal. (Sadly, nothing is ideal.) Life did not go as planned and I started my own venture 4 months back and I still need one more year to be able to actually "earn" and become sustainable. 


And A has always said that he wanted to marry a person who had her own income. I don't know if the fact that I don't have one as of now, is disappointing to him. I didn't ask, too afraid of what the answer might be. It's something he really wanted and even though he is very very supportive of what I am doing (Believe me, I am overwhelmed and very grateful for his support.) I sometimes feel that this is something which bugs him too.


I have been having bouts of cold feet for the last 2 months. I have been doubting my own ability and my readiness to be married. Maybe because I friend of ours broke of her own engagement just a month before her D-day. Maybe because atleast 4 of my cousins ( of my very large extended family) have separated/divorced just a few years after marriage. Or maybe it's an irrational stupid fear that everyone gets before getting married. 


I am mostly happy about getting married.  When two people are in a committed relationship it makes sense for them to "start their lives together" And marriage is the conventional, accepted way to do it. I may not be overtly excited but I am certainly happy. ( Sometimes I do feel excited and have those "can't wait" moments but ofcourse I won't show it. )


But sometimes these thought linger. Sometimes I want to get away from it all. The discussions, the preparations, the "how are you feeling?" questions; everything that suggests that in a few more months I'll be married.


The worst part is that I know I will keep having these bouts of dread till it actually happens. No amount of reassurance can make it go away. Even I know that my fear of the unknown is irrational. That I can get paranoid when there is no reason to be. And yet I will keep speculating. Maybe writing about it will help. ( It usually does.) 


How can I explain that I am happy and yet I am shit scared. How can I explain that I can't wait to get married and yet sometimes wish that it was further away. How can I explain that I wish that I am not the only one who is feeling this way and that I wish that A too gets those moments. 


I am feeling pretty sentimental at this moment. This was supposed to be a funny post where I would poke fun at my cold feet, share an anecdote or two about the preparations. Pcch. I want a hug. I want someone to say that they get it.


I think I should end my rant, here.

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